Finally Resting

I can't believe it has been almost a year since my last Blog... I'm writing this for me as much as anyone, but all are welcome to read and comment.

Angie died on August the 30th at 4:10 am.

April had started school the week before. I called her Wednesday night and told her that I thought her mother was dying and that I could send my brother in law to pick her up. She was home in about 2 hours.

I had noticed before that her breathing was shallower and more rapid; That is what led me to call April. Angie had stopped responding to us Sunday evening. She opened her eyes a little on Monday morning when April was leaving for school.

Angie had her morphine increased on Monday and again on Tuesday and we started giving her Lorazepam and Scopolamine injections into her sub-cu port every 2 hours. I did the injections on Tuesday night While her mother slept. On Wednesday night Her mother gave her the injections and I just set the timer. I was very tired and was not much help. I woke up twenty minutes before the timer was going to go off. I watched her for a few minutes and saw that she wasn't breathing. Of course you keep checking... you're never ready for that. She was still warm. I'm not sure why I woke up at that time. I'll always say it was because she had just died.

We had all been sleeping in the living room. April eventually went to bed after the hospice nurse came and went.A little later the funeral home people came and got her body. I went to the funeral home at about 11:00am with April. They came and got the bed at about 2:pm. A few people came by, and after that April and I went for a ride and looked for some geocaches.

My mom cut my hair on Friday, after we went for a walk. April and I did something in the afternoon... I don't remember what. The funeral was on Saturday. None of what happened was as bad as I thought it would be. It is sad to think about leaving her at the grave; but she wasn't there... just her body.

I went to church for the first time in over a year on Sunday morning. April and I found another geocache in the afternoon and made a quick run through the Grayville Days festival.

I went for a walk this morning with my mother and another walk this afternoon with April and ate some pizza with her at Pizza Hut. Tomorrow I'll take April back to school and start waiting for God to show me what's next.

Last Outing

Well, hopefully not the actual last outing.

Angie had been watching the weather and picked Monday to go shopping and eat out. We ate first and it was a okay meal with bad service. I'm not sure how many of us got sick afterward. Angie did. April made a quick trip to the restroom as did I, when I got home.

We went to the mall and April and I walked around while Angie and her mom shopped for warm nightgowns. Apparently right after we left them Angie got sick but they made it to the restroom at Penney's before she was threw up. She wanted to continue shopping though, and they did! Luckily I wasn't there.

Angie slept on the way home and doesn't remember the trip home or the rest of that night. The next day was a big day of visits from the nurse, social worker, and hospice volunteer; and Angie did remarkably well!

Today she is sleeping well, but did wake up to take her pills. Her friend will be here soon with donuts!

Thank you Lord for everything you've given us!

Not to Good Today

She is cold today. She is hurting a lot today. She is nauseated a bit.She coughed a little last night.  She did just ask me to get her something to eat and take off some covers, so I think she is feeling better.

At 10:00am I took her to the bathroom and afterward I rubbed her arms and legs with Biofreeze. I think it is great stuff. An extra pain pill and a promethazine. Some tea. Love. Prayer. I hope I'm not forgetting anything.

I am going to go to town and pay my property taxes and get stuff to make a cherry cobbler thing:

2 can cherry pie filling in a 9X12 pan
1 box of yellow cake mix with
a little cinnamon added, fork into
1 stick of melted butter until crumbly.
Bake @ 350 until the topping is light brown.

Dreams

This morning was the third time that I have woken up dreaming about crying. The only thing I can think of right now is that she's dying and there is nothing I can do about it.

Friday afternoon she wanted to go to Cheeseburger in Paradise. Saturday she was in a lot of pain. She was struggling to sit up yesterday evening. Her only good hand had a remote control in it, so I took it and tried to help her up. She got mad and yelled at me for "treating her like a baby". I thought then that I couldn't take it anymore, but I guess I'll have to.

I've been moving pictures off of our cell phones, recalling all of the wonderful times we've had. I have much more important things to do; but I can't seem to do them.

Here is a picture of Angie on Beale Street in Memphis, about a year and a half ago.

Running the Race

After 2 rounds of chemo the tumor had shrunk nicely. Then two more rounds of chemo. There was however no improvement of the paraneoplastic symptoms. We both noticed she was getting worse.

There were more tests earlier this week and the tumor was growing again. This happened so soon after chemo that the doctor said that there was no reason to believe that more chemo would help, and that chemo treatment would only make her more miserable.

On Monday we will be signing up for hospice care. We are not unfamiliar with hospice as my wife was a hospice nurse for several years. As a matter of fact, My wife helped train the nurse that will likely be coming.

We both are Christian, and know that in order to start our eternal life we must shed this temporary body. We have run a good race together and it may soon be time for us separate for a while, but we will be together again soon... and for now, we will share, and live this life, as much as it has to offer.

Worry... It Won't Help

I had a little problem today. I was trying to pay some bills, which causes me much stress. I called one of the people I owed money too and my right eye started blacking out on me. It only lasted a couple of minutes. and went back to normal. I checked my blood pressure afterward and it was up to 155/102 for a while. I took my blood pressure medicine and a little later I to 1/4 of one of Angie's lorazepams. in two and a half hours it was down to 114/74. I'm sure that it is just stress now.

This happened a few months ago... the second week of February. It happened on and off for three or four days. It's called "amaurosis fugax" and may signal the possibility of a stroke. I pray God watches over me so I can care for my wife.

So Long Since I was Last Here

First of all I have to say that I have had a lot of help from so many friends! This week our Pastor and four deacons from our church came to talk and pray and serve us the Lords Supper. Right after that another old friend came by with some beautiful cupcakes. My sisters husband has be SO helpful in many ways. Yesterday he took off of work to help me get an air conditioner ready to pick up and then helped install the new one. Before that he took me all over the place trying to find a new air conditioner, then he paid for it, then he installed it with me.

Of course my Mother in Law has been here helping a LOT, and others that will remain anonymous.

Angie was sleeping a little. She decided that I could make her some lunch now. Last week one of her doctors mentioned hospice. He also said that a he would put her in a median survival bin of 6 months. Her family doctor said not to even think about that and thinks she had picked up a bug that was making her feel bad. I took her temperature with a digital touch thermometer and said she was "normal". He touched her and said she had a little over 99 degrees. I used a regular thermometer and it verified what he said... 99.3 degrees. He gave her some antibiotics. She had already quit throwing up then, and feels better now.

She had quit walking for about a week due to the illness and pain. Now she has started again. 70 steps the day before yesterday, and about 35 yesterday.

Bills continue to come in and sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. She has asked me to stay home and care for her and that is more important than money. I need to worry lest and pray more... but it is hard.